ADHD Unfriendly Stuff...Art GCSE

Reflecting on things that my ADHD has had a detrimental affect on the other day, I cast my mind back to my years at secondary school and the subjects that I struggled with. Maths was the obvious one; what a pity that I never got my head around algebra (my brain refused to try) as that particular skill would have come in so handy in everyday life...

I hated Maths, but that turned out to be the lesser of my bugbears. One of my biggest battles was Art. 'Surely not', I hear you cry! An ADHDer with no creative flair? Well, this was not the case. My creative flair was abundant. This wasn't the problem. The problem was, that during the course of this subject my creativity was stifled by what the institution expected me to achieve in terms of course work.

It went something like this...to achieve your final piece of artwork- whether it be a pencil drawing of a bowl of fruit, a poster for an advertising campaign or a pastel piece to express an emotion; you were expected to hand in your 'preparatory' pieces. You were required to demonstrate how you came to create your final masterpiece. It was expected that you should hand in a pile of papers which showed your doodles and whims, your experimentation with mediums and techniques; the general build up which led to the grand finale. 

The teenager with ADHD does not want to creatively potter around, chopping and changing between ideas while she contemplates her final piece. The teenager with ADHD spends most of her time with her brain doing that as part of everyday life while she tries in vain to separate her chaotic thoughts. The teenager with ADHD would like to simply get her ideas straight onto the paper (or other medium) and see what happens. The teenager with ADHD would simply like to get her work done- often a great feat- without having to faff about in between with trivial things that may well end up stifling the creative splurge. 

The process that we were expected to undertake was nothing more than a hindrance to what may have turned out to be a spectacular work of the hyperfocussed mind.

As a result, I worked in reverse. I created my final pieces, and then, if my brain would allow, I would throw together some pretend 'drafts' and scribbles. Often though, I resented churning out these fruitless side lines. Therefore I didn't bother.

I got a C grade in GCSE because of my missing bits. I'm no brilliant artistic talent, but I know for a fact that I could have achieved an A grade had I not been subjected to what I perceived to be an idiotic process. It may not be idiotic to regular brained folk. I can well imagine that the experimental process can be hugely advantageous to those who need to work up to the perfection of their final piece. But not to me. What transferred itself from my brain to my piece of paper was often a brilliance in its own right (as far as I was concerned) and did not need to be broken down clinically. The whole process of creating your piece of work in this case was utterly paradoxical.

That said, I let myself down big time. One of life's great ongoing occasions that I simply could not rise to.

I don't know whether this is still the form that art students are expected to adhere to. A good friend of mine is a secondary art teacher, so I intend to find out.

And because she is a good friend of mine and in many ways, a kindred spirit; I know that she'll procrastinate upon and ultimately understand this particular little struggle of mine.

A Teenage Poem

As a teenager I wrote a lot of poetry. I have a big box of memories which include many of my scribbles and scribes. Recently I came across this poem. I must have been around 13 or 14 when I wrote this. It's not greatly worded, but the sentiment is there.
It made me cry when I read it back. It made me reflect in a terribly self indulgent way. Whatever I feel about it now- or however I felt when I wrote it, I think it speaks volumes about the mind of an ADHD child. And this is what makes me sad.
I don't remember writing it; no idea where I was or what kind of mindset I was carrying at the exact time, but I do remember the poem. And I do remember wrestling with the sentiments behind it and feeling very alone.
I think that any other ADHDers out there will understand.


In Between
I know you think I'm weird
A jeopordising freak,
The truth is what you'll never know
Psychotically unique
My visions can't be understood and that you understand;
You see that I'm a Barbie doll,
The earth, the sea, the sand. 
And if you search inside my soul
You'll find an empty space,
But just above, inside my head
there's a psychedelic place.
As dancing on a bed of straw inside an oak tree's trunk
there lives a group of clouded thoughts
that shriek, then fall down drunk.
So next time that I say something that makes you want to scream,
Remember just one little thing-
I'm always in between.

A Brief Introduction to my Adult ADHD Diary...Honest...no Waffle Included at all...

Well maybe a bit. It's unlikely I'll cut to the chase straight away.

Telling people that know me that I've been diagnosed with ADHD has been more frustrating that I had imagined it would be. If I'd had a pound for every comment that went along the lines of, 'Oh, but I'm forgetful myself' or 'I daydream' or 'I rarely finish anything', then I'd have a whole bunch of empty spaces where I thought I'd stashed my pile of pound coins but hadn't.

My response to those people was as polite as ever (those that know me will know I'm a fine example of good etiquette...), but what I would really like for them to do is spend a day in my head.

This isn't possible, or if it were, I wouldn't recommend it anyway. So, the purpose of this blog, among other things, is a way of trying to raise some awareness of what it's like to be an ADHDer. 

Since my diagnosis and starting medication, I have tried to think about the funny side of ADHD, as that's a pretty good coping mechanism now that I know what I'm dealing with. It's a fairly serious and life altering thing for all of us affected though, especially for ADHD children and their parents, but the more people understand it, the easier it becomes to support those who live in its turmoil. 

For those folk with ADHD who are reading this, well let's just say that I need to keep it as lively as possible and reasonably succinct, otherwise they'll zone out. This is where my blog becomes a thing of fantastic paradoxical value. I have to write to maintain interest whilst reeling in my incessant psychobabble. That should be an interesting job.

So anyhow, the rest of my little page will be a bunch of offerings over a period of time (maybe a week- maybe forever) which all relate to ADHD past and present. 
They will be at random as they come into my head. Some of them will never get finished, some will not get written at all and others will take days to write and completely replace any other task or responsibility in my life.
This is because everything in my head starts out as a multiple pile up of thoughts that form a massive accident. There will be some fatalities and many injuries, but the lucky ones will be the ones that prise themselves away from the brain chaos in a bid for survival and get to tell their story on this page. Those will be the strongest thoughts; the ones that matter.

They will all be useful in some way, shape or form. Maybe a little bit to you and maybe a lot to the next person who reads them, but certainly, my writings will be very, very useful to me as I embark on a positive way to express my frustrations.

Stick with me...I have good intentions. 

Disclaimer

All persons appearing in this work are likely to be you if it sounds like you. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is absolutely intentional. Names will be changed to protect identity, to something very silly indeed. However I'll always be kind...

I know you won't mind. ;-)